Friday Five – Lamest Super Powers

Aquaman Riding Dolphins

Welcome to the Friday Five! Each week we help you get to know our writers with the help of a Top Five list. This weeks category: Lamest Super Powers!

Look, every superhero can’t be Spider-Man and Wolverine. You have to have some of the not so awesome guys hanging around to take care of the lamer crimes. This is our tribute to those fools. The heroes who’s powers could only be useful in the most odd circumstances. Worst part is, some of these guys managed to make their way onto some major teams. Some even have their own books! Check it out.


  1. Dazzler (X-Men) – I also had Jubilee on this list but since she’s just the 90’s attempt to remake Dazzler I took her off.
  2. Booster Gold (Justice League) – He doesn’t have powers so much as a bunch of stolen technology from way in the future.
  3. Cypher (X-Men) – Seriously? He can read anything, so just get him on Skype when he is needed. He has NO purpose on a mission.
  4. Vibe – Not so much his powers, but more how he uses them to dance fight super lamely
  5. Hypno-Hustler – The only time he’s useful is in Spider-Man: Reign


Dazzler from Marvel Comics


  1. The Thing – He turned into rocks? I mean he’s got strength and all but rocks? Really?
  2. Poison Ivy’s Plant Control – Plants may be the least scary thing on the planet so why should I be worried if someone can control them.
  3. Flight – If you ask most people what one super power they could have most people say flight. But you know what I think flight is pretty lame. It would be really cold up there. I’d rather just teleport everywhere.
  4. Aquaman – Aquaman sucks, he doesn’t have a single worthwhile power that I know of.
  5. Superman – Cause honestly, fuck Superman.


The Thing from Marvel Comics

I have to disagree with this one. . .


  1. 3D Man – With the power of not 1 but 3 average men!
  2. Superman – Where John complains about his super face flexing, I have more problems with some of his other early powers. . . For instance: Super-Hypnotism, which Superman used to subconsciously make everyone see him as a weaker individual while dressed as Clark Kent. Obviously, this was after they stopped using the Super Face Flexing. There’s also Super-ventriloquism, Super-amnesia kiss (as seen in Superman II), and shooting a midget Superman from his palms. And yes that last one is real, not even slightly a joke.
  3. Goldstar (Ernest Widdle) – Good morals, harmonic “niceness vibes”. . .
  4. Color Kid – With the power to change somethings color!
  5. Arm Fall Off Boy – I wish I was making this shit up. . . Arm Fall Off Boy can remove body parts (HIS OWN!) and use them as melee weapons.


3D Man from Marvel Comics


  1. Meltman (Action League Now) – With the power to. . . melt.
  2. Emma Swan (Once Upon a Time) – Her power to know when someone is telling a lie. Everybody lies, and that’s a lame ‘super power’.
  3. Meg Griffin (Family Guy) – When the family develops super powers she has the power to grow her nails long.
  4. Captain Jack (Dr. Who/Torchwood) – A life changing event left him with the ability to never die. Except that he does, but then comes back to life. It sounds good except, why not have the ability to just not get yourself into a dying situation. Who wants to go through the procedure of dying all the time?
  5. Tap Man (Gus on Psych) – His superpower is rhythm.


Meltman from Action League Now, Kablam


  1. Being Blind (Daredevil) – I understand he had a really great run, and is one of the classic Marvel heroes. That doesn’t change the fact that his power is actually classified as a disability. Yeah, yeah, radioactive blah blah. He’s still blind. And he’s still incredibly lame.
  2. Communicating with fish (Aquaman) – I’m surprised this wasn’t up here more. . .
  3. Stretching (Mr.Fanstastic and Plastic Man) – It’s the ultimate in laziness. “I really want that bottle of soda, but I don’t feel like getting up. . . OH! I don’t have too!” You could argue that telekinesis is lazier, but that at least requires one to flex their mental muscles as opposed to just reaching really hard. . .
  4. Shrinking/Growing (Hank Pym and Ray Palmer) – I just don’t see the allure here. What’s the purpose of shrinking yourself down? It just makes you easier to squash? And Growing. . . It’s stupid. It didn’t stop Captain America from beating Hanks ass in the Ultimates, and it certainly won’t protect you from one of Dr. Dooms death rays. Just dumb.
  5. Punching things really hard AKA Super Strength (EVERY SUPERHERO EVER) – It’s the absolute most basic superpower of all. I’s practially handed out like candy. “Oh, you wanna be a hero? Here take super strength!” Luke Cage has unbreakable skin, apparently that means he can bench press a car. Wonder Woman is an Amazon, so I guess that means she can contend with Doomsday. Hank Pym has a form of Super Strength, and he makes himself smaller! Oh, and don’t forget, because Aquaman can swim really fast, he can punch things pretty hard too. . .



is not a boss.

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